A funny collection of Twas The Night Before Christmas parodies


  Johnson Night Before Christmas

Posted to http://www.pettyinc.com/xmaspoem.htm by Unknown on unknown.
'Twas the night before Christmas
And I was at work
Doing car stops and house checks
And dealing with jerks

There were drunkards and peepers:
And husbands and wives
Carrying bottles and guns
And BIG firickin' knives

There were car wrecks and fistfights
And shootings and more
There were burglars and car thieves
And Rachel the (lady of the evening)

But what to my wondering
Eyes should appear
But a car full of ladies
And a keg full of beer

They giggled and wiggled
And shouted and screamed
And I said to myself
This is just what I've dreamed

A car fall of cuties
Out looking for fun
I could stop and ask
'If they'd wait 'til I'm done

On headlights, on bar lights
On wig-wags and siren
I drove after them quickly
Man ... was I flyin'

Through red lights and stop signs
A yard and a field
I tried every trick
To get them to yield

They finally stopped
And surrendered themselves
Which is when I discovered
They weren't babes, BUT ELVES!

They wore make-up and lipstick
And each wore a dress
But the hair on their legs
Made them look quite a mess

I asked them politely
What their plans were for the night
"Cause frankly dear gents
You're one hell of a sight!"

The big one named Oscar
Gave a wink and a smile
And stood there and stared
At me for a while

Then he answered me sharply
And pulled out a beer
And said, "We are elves
But we also are queer."

"Only once every year
Are we allowed to come out
To wiggle and giggle
To scream and to shout"

"So we came to your town
For some action and fun
So drop your drawers
Your badge and your gun!"

I grinned then I laughed
Which went to a chuckle
That's when they began
To tug on my buckle

I pushed and I swung
Using both of my fists
Then I finally got clear
And boy! I Was I pissed!!

I needed some help
So I pushed the red button
On the radio I had
Provided by Johnson

I pushed and I poked
With all of my power
But I guess it's too far
From that god damn tower!

So there I was stuck
My Johnson and me
Facing little queer elves
From up in a tree

They gave us these radios
And swore they were great
So the county spent millions
And thus sealed our fate.

The end of this story
You're waiting to see
If those queer little elves
Got my Johnson and me?

Now I talk a bit higher
And I walk like a duck
And the Johnsons we use
They still really suck

Remember they're useless
If you get in a fight
But, Merry Christmas to all
And to all a good night!


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