A funny collection of Twas The Night Before Christmas parodies
| Nudist Night Before Christmas
Posted to alt.nudism.moderated by Cheef Dan on 2001-12-22.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and to put it quite clearly
This holiday would not be remembered too dearly.
We were both flat exhausted. We'd been through hell, though,
Searching all month for a "Tickle-Me Elmo".
We both sat in front of a dumb unlit fire
And griped as our heating bill climbed ever higher.
We cursed our two kids, who couldn't bear to see flame
In the place they all thought was where Santa Claus came.
Now they were in bed, and we were both sauced
From the eggnog we'd guzzled when directions were lost
To this tricycle we tried in vain to construct
After ripping it off of the U.P.S. truck.
We'd gone thousands in debt, to impress all our friends
And purchase their loyalty as the year ends.
When all of a sudden, we heard a great crash
And we were both covered with fireplace ash.
A fat old guy out from our chimney came rolling
He went head over heels, like a giant ball bowling
He stood up and brushed off, and with the soot gone
We could see he was naked -- no red outfit on!
I'm an ugly drunk, and my wife was worried
So I ran for my shotgun in quite a hurry.
But this guy grabbed the yule log, and threw it quite fast
It landed in my path, and I tripped as I passed.
He said, "Hey, don't worry. I'm just here to chat."
I said, "Get some clothes on, you freaky old bat."
He said, "Don't you recognize friendly Saint Nick?"
I said, "You're naked. Just buzz off. That's sick."
He turned with a smile, and said with some glee,
"Ho ho, Little Buddy, best listen to me.
You're right, I'm not Santa." Then he started smilin'
I saw he was the Skipper -- from Gilligan's Island!
He said, "I want you to know we nearly went nuts
All of those years in those crummy grass huts.
Our nerves were all frazzled, I'm sure we'd be dead,
If we didn't find something to straighten our heads.
We soon all decided to check out the facts,
We all needed something to make us relax.
We asked the Professor, who happed by chance,
To have picked up a radio show from Southern France.
They had said if you wanted to get rid of your stress
There was no better way than to up and undress.
So we all started lying out nude in the sun,
Then started to play volleyball just for fun.
Soon you couldn't tell who had lots of money
Who was really famous, who acted real funny,
Who taught the science, who grew corn and oats,
And who had lots of experience, sailing on boats.
The island we lived on became clothing-free.
It was wonderful living, believe you and me.
Sometimes I sit and wish we never were rescued.
And we'd stayed on that island and lived out our lives nude.
He turned back to the chimney, to go out as he came
I cried, "Don't be a fool!" and called Skipper by name
And for the very first time, with my wife and this man
We went nude in our hot tub. (He had quite a tan!)
I asked as we soaked, "Why did you come here?
To our house of all places, this night of the year?"
He replied with a grin, "I did not choose.
I was sent as an angel to bring you good news.
Relax and remember what this night is about.
Stress is like clothing -- you can live without.
Simple Christmas is best, when it is celebrated
As the birth of a child, they call God incarnated.
So go feed the hungry, Spend time with the sad,
Play a game with a kid with no mom or no dad.
Go to a service, Sing praise from your lips.
Then join with your family, and all skinnydip."
With that wisdom he stood up, and went from our tub
He dried off with a towel, said good-bye with a hug
Then walked out the door nude, into a bright light
And Christmas is different, since that special night.
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