A funny collection of Twas The Night Before Christmas parodies


  The Drugged New Year's Eve

Posted to Unknown by Jim Bleecker on 1999-12-19.
'Twas the night before New Years, and all through the place
Not a mirror was empty, not even a space.
The coke-spoons were hung from our neck chains with care,
In hopes that the "Snowman" soon would be there.
Our brains were all nuzzled, all snug in the skies,
While wild hallucinations dances through our eyes.

I guzzled some Jack Daniels and Ma' took a sip
As we readied our brains for a long acid trip
When down in my stomach there arose such a clatter
I had felt it before and I knew what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a winner
Tore open the shutters and threw up my dinner.

I heard a faint splash on the objects below
As I turned for a cure of some new fallen snow.
When what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But white haired old man with eight lines on a mirror
When I saw parked outside was a customized van
I knew in a moment it must be "Snowman".

More rapid then Hoover, His nostrils aflame,
He snorted and shouted and called them by name.
Now Trasher, Now Blaster Now Trance'r and Tricks'in
Haily's comet and Stoopid on Blizzard and Blitzen.
At the top of the last one his brain seemed to stall
Then blast away, blast away blast away all.

And the leaves that he smoked in a joint were so dry,
When they met with his brain cells, he started to fly.
So up to the house-top the smoking joint flew,
With a Van full of Snoflakes, and The "Snowman" too.
And then, in a twinkling, he was up on the roof
and he dove toward the chimney, and shrunk with a "POOF"

As I drew in my head and was turning around
Down the chimney the Snowman came with a bound
He was dressed all in white from his hat to his boot
And his clothes were all covered with hashes and toot
A bundle of coke he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a dealer just peddling his crack.

His eyes how they glissened, he had dust on his thumb
His teeth, how they chattered, his nose was real numb
He had drool on his mouth, and a dusting of blow,
And the beard on his chin was as white as his snow.
A stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath.

He had a thin face and a big wad of cash,
That smelled quite a bit like a bowlful of Hash.
He was skinny and frail, but a jolly old dude,
And I laughed when I saw him, with a new attitude;
he had bloodshot eyes, you could hear Greatful Dead
comming out of the headphones he had on his head,

He spoke not a word but went right to his work
And he filled all the coke viles and he turned with a jerk
And laying a finger aside of his nose
And giving a SNORT up the chimney he rose
He jumped in his van and he gave it a start
And away he flew like a jet propelled dart

Ere I heard him exclaim as he started to fly
"Many kilos to all and to all a good high."



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