A funny collection of Twas The Night Before Christmas parodies


  Twas The Night Before Metalli-Christmas

Posted to alt.rock-n-roll.metal.metallica by Xar5647402 on 1998-12-16.
Twas the night before Christmas when all through the land
Metalli-freaks everywhere dreamed of their band
Their posters were hung by the speakers with care
In hopes that their stereos soon would be blarin'

The metal heads were crashed out all snug in their sacks
While memories of moshing ached in their backs
This chick in her teddy and I in my thong
Were just getting ready to rock the night long

When out in the front I heard such a clatter
I busted my ass to see what was the matter
I ran to the window to see what was there
And what I saw out there straightened my hair

What to my wondering eyes did appear
But an old Chevy Blazer, Not eight tiny reindeer
With a big old tall driver with such a long mane
And in the seat next to him, I spied the Dane

The third one's hair was in long black dreads
And the last one's hair was cut short to his head
More rapid than eagles the foursome they came
And they whistled and shouted and called me by name

"Hey, Dick, come on down here, we're gonna jam
Go check in the fridge and bring us some ham
And a few cold beers, now that would be cool
Better move fast you dern idjit fool!"

And then in twinkling, I heard in the den
The crunchin' and bangin' of tuning within
I came back from the fridge with the beers and the ham
And sat my ass down to watch 'em all jam

All hell broke loose and the music was loud
And I sat there alone feeling oh very proud
The Dane, was bangin' like a madman possessed
And I really considered my sorry ass blessed

James was a singin' and playing his axe
Jason was ragin' man, that's the facts
Then Kirk opened up with a huge fuckin' lead
The sweat on my forehead's beginning to bead

As I sat there and watched them, I started to wonder
If I was dreaming and what I heard thunder?
They couldn't be here at my house Christmas Eve
I'm sure they all had other plans up their sleeves

Metallica coming and playing for me?
Had I been that good? Man, this couldn't be
The music was loud as the Marshalls roared on
After a couple of hours they said that was all
And thanked me and told me that they'd had a ball

I couldn't believe that all this was real
As they started to leave I said, "Man what's the deal?"
They went on to explain that that they felt like St. Nick
And come round to play to all good Metalli-Dicks

I watched them pull out in pull out in that old Chevy Blazer
And felt like I had been shot with a taser
But I heard them explain as they drove out of site
"Happy Fuckin' Christmas, Dick, and to all a good night"

I woke Christmas morning, stiff as a stick
On my bedside table a Metallica pick?


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